Reasons for Lamenting
I rant and rail sometimes about meaningless things. The people who can’t drive; the price of gas; damage to a car. Today however I have true cause for sorrow and lament.
There are a few things in this world that I can do; but one of the things that I can’t do is shallow. I don’t do shallow very well at all. I can’t do fake table conversation. I can’t pretend that I don’t have ideas and opinions (though I’ve been known to hold my tongue a time or two). That doesn’t mean that I can’t deal with it, I simply disconnect or remove myself from situations. When I sit down to talk to people, it is with the full intent of investing myself in them and their struggles; that I won’t settle for surface stuff. As a result I choose my friends very carefully. The people I choose to involve in my life are sparse, but they’re meaningful.
They are good people (yes Brain, that includes you too). People who care about others and sacrifice for those around them. They are people whom I admire. I try to learn from them and in return avail every resource I have to serve in their causes. They are generous, they are thoughtful, they are people truly worth knowing.
Today however, one of my friends is dying and I am helpless to stop it.
I’m broken hearted; I’m pissed off and there isn’t a thing I can fix or do to help. I’m 34 for years old, my friends aren’t supposed to be dying. She’s 31, a wife, a mother of a 4 year old, and the doctors report that sometime in the next 24 hours she will most likely pass away. She’ll never wake up again and that just sucks.
The last time we spoke on the phone just a few days ago, our conversation was cut short because the battery in her cell phone ran out of juice.
That’s what it feels like; like we had just gotten into the middle of a great talk and abruptly it was cut off. She was my partner in crime at work; we plotted the overthrow of PC domination; we taught a class together. We started SlanderousTongue.com as a way to spur each other to write more often.
Just last September she, Amber, Michelle, and I all went to Las Vegas. In February they started to know that something was wrong. Despite two bone marrow tests and a slew of blood work they couldn’t figure out was was wrong with her. In April she was diagnosed with T-Cell Lymphoma; July 7th she finally turned on her ‘Out of Office’ notice at work; last week she was supposed to have a bone marrow transplant and now tomorrow most likely she will no longer be here with us and frankly I think it’s a pretty shitty deal (pardon my French).
I hate stuff like this.
I hate that we live in a broken world. I hate that tomorrow her husband (who is a good friend of mine) will be without a help mate. I hate that her son will grow up without a mom. I hate that bad things happen to good people. I hate that reality trumped my hope.
I hurt for them and I hurt for me. I hurt for all the hurt that is in the world and the seeming unfairness of it all.
I am reminded that no matter how long your life is, that it is simply too short. That somethings are more important. I am reminded that at any moment our ticket can be cashed and we have to be ready for what is next. That someone will have to clean up when I am gone. To quote my friend Mark (who was indeed quoting someone else), that ‘getting old is not for the faint of heart’.
Don’t get me wrong; I live in a faith based world view. I know that God is in control; I know that He has a more perfect will that that I don’t understand. I know that it’s not my will be done, but His. It’s just sometimes I wish that God would realign His will to mine.
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