Spyware

Hey Kids! It’s your Uncle Bill here again to give you the inside scoop on what’s happening inside your PC. Okay, my really isn’t Bill, and there’s a very good chance that I’m not your uncle. My real name is Bob, but due to some typo last time, I got labeled as Bill, so I figured hey, why not run with it?

Ever wonder where all those pop-up windows come from? You know the kind that the moment you connect your computer to the internet they fill your screen faster than you can close them; the kind that turn your P4 3.06 with Hyper Thread Technology into an oversized calculator? The kind that makes your computer feel like it’s being hammered more often than a red-headed stepchild; the kind that makes your computer so slow you can click the on button, go to class, do your homework, and return just in time to see the login window finally show up? Yeah, those are the kind that I’m talking about. All that slowness and all those pop-ups are the by-product of a little thing we like to call “Spyware”.

What is spyware? Where does it come from? How can I get rid of it? How can I prevent it from coming back? Why do these sentences sound like a commercial for cold sores? Tune in to find out.

Welcome to Spyware 101

In today’s lesson we are going to answer the following things: 1) “What is spyware?” 2) “Where does spyware come from?” and 3) “How do I get rid of it and keep it from coming back?”

So what exactly is spyware?

Some may be tempted to think that it includes a BMW, some guy named ‘Q’ and sunglasses with x-ray vision, but they’d be wrong. This stuff is part of the axis of evil which includes spyware, adware, and malware, but rather than turn this into an in depth discussion on the difference between the three, we’ll save that for Malware 230 (which will be offered next semester), and just call it all spyware.

Spyware comes in all shapes and sizes. Oh it looks nice on the outside, it comes in the form of “Bargin Buddy” – the talking purple ape who wants to help you find bargins; the helpful weather bug that merely wants to give you the outside temperature; my search bar and many other misleading forms of “helpful” software. But what they really are is a backdoor to the viro-twins and you’re letting them in. They are worse than Thing 1 and Thing 2 and the Cat in the Hat is nowhere to be found. The cause relentless pop-ups, your computer to slow to a crawl, and can even give some guy in Hoboken access to your bank account numbers if you’re not careful.

You finally get so fed up with all the slowness and pop-ups that you install a pop-up blocker or some form of Spyware removal system. This is where they get really evil. Tricked again, many of these so-called ad-removal software adds more spyware than when you started. Now between the pop-ups, the pop-up blockers, your computer starts to war with itself and is fast approaching a nervous breakdown. A good time was not had by all.

Spyware can be something “benign” like targeted ads (ever wonder why when you are looking for lyrics to the latest Ryan Cabrera you start to see ads for CDs, concerts, stores, and other music related things – spyware) or it can come in a much more malicious form where it records your every keystroke, including logging into your online checking account. It slows your computer and compromises important information.

Great Bob, so we know what spyware is, where does this stuff come from? Believe it or not, 9 times out of 10, you put it there yourself. That’s right Sparky, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself. Oh, I know you don’t want to hear that, I know you’d much rather blame it on Perfigo, campus computing policies, and Al Gore (he did invent the internet after all – true, it’s a little known fact), but source of most of your woes are self inflicted.

The biggest problem is a lack of knowledge and impatience (both the bane of youth). A little window pops up on your screen when you visit the website of your choice and says something like this, “Do you wish to trust GAIN to install blah, blah, blah, blah.” You don’t know what all that stuff means and honestly you could probably care less. You just want to download a new wall paper of Paris Hilton before you go to bed and you’re willing to do what it takes to get it done… now. You’ve also been trained by Microsoft, Macromedia and other trustworthy companies that if you want to save yourself the hassle from having to click these silly windows all the time, you can just click “ALWAYS TRUST” and never have to worry about it again.

However, what that little window is really saying is, “Can GAIN install a ton of bad stuff on your computer, take it over as needed, control your web surfing and have exclusive rights to your soul?” And you just clicked yes, not just this time but for all eternity.

In order to be a smart computer user, you hav eto take the time and read before you go clicking or installing anything. If you don’t know what it is, there’s a good chance it can be bad. Search bars are not helpful. Bargain finders do not find you bargains. The weather bug is really a bug. And the worst offenders that install the most spyware and virus stuff really are those illegal file-swapping programs like Kaaza and it’s spin offs. Despite what you think, nothing in this life is really free. All those free file sharing programs are going to cost you in the end.

Yes it’s work. Yes, I know you think you’re a broke college student who cannot afford the new Alter Bridge CD (it’s really not that good anyway) that you simply cannot live without, but in the long run your computing experience will be better if you just do things the right way, and you read before you click. Say it with me, “read before you click.” All together now, “read before you click.” If you don’t know, don’t install it. As the great Billy Gates the Bear used to say, “Remember kids, only you can prevent spyware.”

Okay, lesson learned. However, it’s a bit too late. I know that campus computing spent all that time getting my computer on the internet but now my computer is running slower than ever. I know it’s spyware, but what can I do about it? I’ve tried calling the Help Desk, but they tell me, it’s my mess and I’ve got to clean it up.

First off, they are right. It’s not their job to run over and fix your computer every time you break it. They’re not your mothers, we don’t do laundry and we won’t pick up your socks. It’s your job. To steal a line from another famous uncle, Uncle Ben (no, not the rice guy, the one from Spiderman), “With great power comes great responsibility.” You have the power of the internet at your finger tips. It’s time to step up, step out of that high school mindset and embrace adulthood. That means responsibility. But not to worry, we’re not going to let you go down without tossing you a life raft and teaching you how to fix your own boat should you spring a leak.

First thing is to get yourself some spyware removal software. Now before you start in with that whole I’m broke, and I already had to pay, blah, blah, blah fees, just listen. It’s free to download and install from the internet. Free. Even you can afford that. I know what you are going to say next, “But Bob, my computer doesn’t work, how am I supposed to connect and download this software?” Got a roommate? Use their computer. Download it, burn it to a CD and install it from there. Not very computer savvy? Not to worry, that’s why we have computer labs with helpful assistants. If you ask really nice and bribe them with chocolate chip cookies there’s a good chance they’ll show you the computers in the lab with CD burners and even how to get your file there (okay, so you don’t have to bribe them with chocolate chip cookies, but you can certainly bribe me). Take that little CD back to your computer and install away.

There are lots of options to choose from. If you go to www.downloads.com and type in “spyware” you will find a whole slew of them. I know, I know, you don’t really care, just tell you which one to use and get it over with. Understand that do to legal issues and all that mucky muck campus computing cannot endorse one spyware removal program over another. But, if you’re asking Uncle Bill what he uses on his own personal rig at home, I’d have to say PepiMK Software’s Spybot: Search & Destroy. Not only does it have a cool name it works and the guys from PC World, PC Mag and Downloads.com recommend it. It’s pretty easy to use (always make sure you update it and scan often) and it gets the job down.

But wait, you’re not quite out of the woods yet. If you remember, we said there were lots of different types of spyware, and Spybot doesn’t get everything (no software does), so I also recommend you running another piece of software called Ad-Aware by LavaSoft (also available from www.downloads.com). Between these two pieces of software you should be humming along in no time. Spybot first, Ad-Aware second.

Great, you’re system is back up to speed and we want to keep it that way. Read before you click, watch what sites you go to, never download load pirated software or music. To quote the great Weird Al Yankovic, “You better not touch it kids, those ropes are there for a reason.” (The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota). Take the time to run Spybot and Ad-Aware every couple weeks and you should have trouble free surfing.

Until next time, I’m your Uncle Bill reminding you to have your roommate spade or neutered.