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Aug
13
2004
13
2004
Uncategorized
Oh Ye of Little Faith – For Crystal
It has recently come to my attention that there are non-believers among you.
Blasphemy! Heresy! Woe to you the unbeliever. Woe to you the heretic.
Let me quote to you from the book of Bob, Chapter 38:
The BOB Speaks
1) Then the BOB answered Crystal Brown out of the storm. He said:
2) “Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?
3) Brace yourself like a woman;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4) “Where were you when I laid the blog’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5) Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a cool graphic header across it?
6) On what were its HTML codings set,
or who laid its MySQL server –
7) while the morning stars sang together
and all the bloggers shouted for joy?
“Who setup the Shadowlands BBS
before the internet burst forth from the womb,
9) when I made Great Lakes my personal server
and wrapped it in computers,
10) when I fixed limits for Warlords
and burned down capitols in my wake,
11) when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where Scotty Johnson stops’?
12) “Have you ever given orders to Tom Flammer,
or shown Nathan Prong his place,
13) that they might take Michigan by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
14) The web takes shape like clay under my hands;
its features stand out like those of an unshaven face.
15) The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised finger is broken.
16) “Have you journeyed to the springs of Kalkaska
or walked in the recesses of the boys dorm?
17) Have the gates of Dave’s House of Pancakes been shown to you?
Have you smelled the shadow of death?
18) Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the blog?
Tell me, if you know all this.
19) “What is the way to the abode of Bob?
And where does he reside?
20) Can you take them to his places?
Do you know the paths to his dwellings?
21) Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!
22) “Have you entered the storehouses of the boys dorm
and removed roll upon roll of toilet paper,
23) which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
24) What cool names will you give your children? Will it be anything as cool as D.O.S.?
Will you have the courage to name your son after a comic book elf?
25) Who searches the web for bit-torrent feeds to download,
and an FTP site for movies,
26) to watch at home where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,
27) to satisfy his need for silence.
Who cuts the grass?
28) Does web have a father?
Who fathers the internet?
29) From whose womb comes the blog?
Who gives birth to pop-up ads
30) and encodes mp3s for the masses?
31) “Can you bind the famous Andrew Peterson?
Can you loose the cords of his upcoming Christmas CD?
32) Can you bring forth the songs before their seasons
or burn it to a CD to share?
33) Do you know the laws of the internet?
Can you set up Bob’s dominion over the blog?
34) “Can you raise your voice to the bloggers
and cover yourself with sweet sounding words?
35) Do you send the lamers on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
36) Who endowed the blogs with wisdom
or gave understanding to the uninformed?
37) Who has the mad skills to create his own clouds in Photoshop?
Who can build web pages within hours
38) when the rest haven’t even started yet?
39) “Do you you use your own blogging software or
do you merely rely on the skills of others?
40) when you post, is it on your domain or someone elses?
41) Who provides a blog for the masses
when internet cries out to Bob
and wander about for lack of good reading?
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About the Author: Bob Soulliere
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I am beside myself with glee. Notify me when the entire book of BOB is released…. I shall pay handsomely for it.
Wow. I told her, but she would not believe me. Again, wow.
Speaking of pancakes, you remember the Flap Jack Shack don’t you!!?!?
Well, you can tell her that rumor has it, that I will be manifesting in Lansing on Sept. 3rd or 4th, 2004 to the faithful.
Does that mean I can look upon your real face in September Oh Great One????
So as it is written, so shall it be done! (CLAP!!)
Perhaps. It will depend on the offerings of the faithful.
Ok, I guess this would be Chapter 39?
1) Then the Faithless answered out of the Library Office. She said: “Gosh you ask a lot of questions, let me see if I can answer…”
2) “Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?
I think you’re talking about me.
3) Brace yourself like a woman;
Whoa, getting a little personal there aren’t we?
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
Whatever BOB.
4) “Where were you when I laid the blog’s foundation?
Um…5th grade?
Tell me, if you understand.
Yeah I got that one.
5) Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a cool graphic header across it?
Well I’m assuming that would be “Bob”…but you know what happens when you “assume”.
6) On what were its HTML codings set,
or who laid its MySQL server –
I think my question here is “who gives a crap?”
7) while the morning stars sang together
and all the bloggers shouted for joy?
That’s a question?
before the internet burst forth from the womb,
Ew.
9) when I made Great Lakes my personal server
and wrapped it in computers,
I’m not so sure I’d be proud of that one “Bob”.
10) when I fixed limits for Warlords
and burned down capitols in my wake,
Are you talking about the game of Risk?
11) when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where Scotty Johnson stops’?
Role playing games with your friends has really given you an ego, eh “Bob”?
12) “Have you ever given orders to Tom Flammer,
or shown Nathan Prong his place,
Please, Tom Flammer not only takes my order, he also pays for the food.
13) that they might take Michigan by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
Are you still talking about Tom?
14) The web takes shape like clay under my hands;
its features stand out like those of an unshaven face.
Well that’s just great….and your point is…?
15) The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised finger is broken.
Yeah, I got an upraised finger for you right here.
16) “Have you journeyed to the springs of Kalkaska
or walked in the recesses of the boys dorm?
Yep and yep.
17) Have the gates of Dave’s House of Pancakes been shown to you?
Try Sophia’s House of Pancakes, they squeeze their own oranges.
Have you smelled the shadow of death?
Is that like a fart?
18) Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the blog?
I know Toms, and Bens, and Daves and my own…but are you really calling your blog “The” blog?
Tell me, if you know all this.
Yeah, I gotcha.
19) “What is the way to the abode of Bob?
Second star to the right and straight on till morning.
And where does he reside?
Ibid.
20) Can you take them to his places?
Who’s them?
Do you know the paths to his dwellings?
Isn’t this kinda assuming I already believe in Bob?
21) Surely you know, for you were already born!
Ha.
You have lived so many years!
True dat.
22) “Have you entered the storehouses of the boys dorm
and removed roll upon roll of toilet paper,
My only purpose for entering the boys dorm has only and ever been to make out in the forbidden depths.
23) which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
I don’t need to know.
24) What cool names will you give your children?
Jackson, Issac, Ruby, Dinah.
Will it be anything as cool as D.O.S.?
How about David Ulysses Mathew Brown? he he he.
Will you have the courage to name your son after a comic book elf?
I thought about Theodin, but I was turned down.
25) Who searches the web for bit-torrent feeds to download,
and an FTP site for movies,
Somebody with too much time on their hands.
26) to watch at home where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,
Are you telling me you’re lonley? cause I think you need to talk to someone else about that.
27) to satisfy his need for silence.
Who cuts the grass?
Ben.
28) Does web have a father?
Who fathers the internet?
Don’t know, don’t care.
29) From whose womb comes the blog?
I guess it comes from Bob’s womb…(shudder)
Who gives birth to pop-up ads
The devil.
30) and encodes mp3s for the masses?
Assistant Secretary to the devil.
31) “Can you bind the famous Andrew Peterson?
The famous who?
Can you loose the cords of his upcoming Christmas CD?
Loose the cords?
32) Can you bring forth the songs before their seasons
or burn it to a CD to share?
Isn’t that illegal?
33) Do you know the laws of the internet?
Yeah, you can’t stop porn.
Can you set up Bob’s dominion over the blog?
Do I want to?
34) “Can you raise your voice to the bloggers
and cover yourself with sweet sounding words?
I sure got your attention didn’t I?
35) Do you send the lamers on their way?
Now there’s a job I could do with relish.
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
Tom does.
36) Who endowed the blogs with wisdom
or gave understanding to the uninformed?
Homestarrunner.com
37) Who has the mad skills to create his own clouds in Photoshop?
Anybody with photoshop.
Who can build web pages within hours
any properly trained web designer.
38) when the rest haven’t even started yet?
A properly trained web designer who doesn’t procrastinate.
39) “Do you you use your own blogging software or
do you merely rely on the skills of others?
Skills of others. check.
40) when you post, is it on your domain or someone elses?
It’s on “Bob”s right now.
41) Who provides a blog for the masses
when internet cries out to Bob
and wander about for lack of good reading?
I think your friends should be offended that you call them the masses.
Now I’ve got some questions for you.
1) What’s my middle name. Tell me if you know without getting information from those who would see you glorified.
Why is a baby seal called a weaner?
2) Where do I live? Tell me if you understand.
3) Who can be as sarcastic and sharp tongued while still maintaining a decency and maturity?
4) What’s that little dent below your nose called? Who named it?
5) Do nuns wear underwear? Tell me if you know…and tell me how you know.
6) Two coins make 30 cents, one is not a nickle, what are the coins?
7) What do peacocks sound like?
9) Who is the Interstate Trivial Pursuit Genus Edition 1983 Champion?
10) If the sun were to explode, would it take us 8 and 1/2 minutes to find out?
11) How many pores are in the shell of an egg? Where does this wisdom come from?
12) What does Hors d’oeuvre actually mean? How come we don’t pronounce it “Hors Devores”?
13) If a lobster loses an eye, who helps it to grow a new one…tell me if you know.
14) How many people call Graceland in a day and ask for Elvis? Who tells them he is not at home?
15) In what country is it illegal to train a seal to balance a ball on it’s nose? Isn’t that the stupidest thing you ever heard?
16) Who invented the car jack before even cars were invented? How do you make money on an invention like that?
17) What’s the back knee of a clydesdale called? What about the ankle or shoulder? While I’m thinking about it, if a clydesdale is 18 hands tall, how tall is it in inches?
18) How much does it cost to fix a cracked head gasket? Is $500 too much?
19) How much do I hate Ramen Noodles? Tell me if you know.
20) Where was I yesterday? Have you any clue?