Insomniac – I believe

An article by Don Quixote    2 Comments

The moon was nearly full as I drove into work this morning. As I’ve written before I am transfixed by the magic of the early morning, the slow shuffling process of the world waking up. The night and I have always been friends (and enemies); it’s warm coolness has been a blanket I have often found comfort in.

I have a hard time sleeping at night, or in general for that matter. Most days I sleep around 4 hours; it’s not that I’m not tired earlier because I am, I have not figured out how to shut down my head at night. By my nature I am Obsessive Compulsive, I have a hard time letting things go. Conversations that I had through out the day filter through my conscience and I re-live them. I go over the words said, things spoken and not and I carry on where I left off. I say the things I wanted to say, the things I should have said. Sometimes I just want to scream at the injustices and smack the stupidity out of people. I want to use my words to wound, smash and destory. I wrestle with myself as I toss in the darkness.

In the end however my mind comes back to a common phrase: To what end? I am reminded of the scene in “You’ve got Mail” where Meg Ryan says she wishes she could say the thing she wanted to at the time she wanted to, but in the end, she finds out that when you do you are only left with regret. What good will come of this? What good will come of all these things? Nothing.

Nothing. Will you make a difference to someone who’s mind and heart are closed? Will sreaming all the louder make your case seem some how more appealing? In the end, it won’t, I know that. So instead I remain silent.

As I lie awake at night I feel the weight of the world sometimes. I can hear it moan in pain, I can feel the heartache of man kind and I am broken on the inside. I feel like a partner to the night keeping vigil over those who are asleep. As I stand guard my mind wanders again. I think alot about God, religion(s) and beliefs.

People by their nature believe what they want to believe. This is true of *everyone* (myself included). So what do you do? Believing something does not make it true, nor does disbelieving something make it not true. This truth I would argue though: You can be wrong in your belief and still be a Christian. I believe that there are three levels of belief:

The essential which includes the following: Jesus is the son of God, he is God in the flesh, died, was buried and rose again. The Bible is the inspired word of God, you are a sinful sinner. The belief in the God-head: The three in one.

The non-essential but pretty dang important.

The non-essential: What are you wasting your time arguing about these for.

Anything outside of the essential you can be wrong on. I mean down right completely off base wrong on and still be my brother in Christ. You can be a heretic and still go to heaven. Alexander Campbell aruged that a man without an arm is still a man. It is the essential that makes you a man. A brother who is wrong in his belief is still a brother. The problem lies therefore in the church, or at least in its many denominations. We daily try to add things to our essentials list so much so that individual churches believe they are the only ones going to heaven.

I believe that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, that our battle is not with each other.

I believe that I am a sinner saved only by God’s grace. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I do not claim that I am there yet.

I believe that God loves me no matter what.

I believe that this too shall pass.

My head churns over and over again. I write and re-write and wander off again in a different direction. That is the gift the early morning brings. A freedom to exhale, a freedom to set your burdens down for a few weary minutes, a freedom to just be.

Today I am. Yesterday I was. Tomorrow I will be. One day at a time sweet Jesus, that’s all I’m asking from you.

For now I am a child of the pre-dawn looking for the patron Saint of Insomniacs.