This is in response to a comment posted by Rob, it turned into something more than a reply so I thought I’d share it all with you:
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I used to have a sign outside my office door at the church that read:

“Great people talk about Ideas
Normal people talk about Things
Small people talk about Others”

So what’s a guy to do? Since I don’t know you, I appologize in advice if anything I say is offensive (my standard disclaimer) as that’s not my intent. The first place to look is at yourself because in the end, that’s really the only thing you can control.

You had a wonderful line in your message, “Hey, I know I’m stupid, I just don’t always know when I’m being stupid…” That has more truth in it for the rest of us then you might realize.

I’ve found that whenever I’m having problems with others, the first thing I need to do is take a good hard look at myself. For whatever reason, (from what I hear you saying) people have the impression that you’re insenstive and a know it all in your “quest for what’s true”.

These impressions may or maybe not be true, but your “friends” (or at least what you’re hearing) feel that way, so let’s go with that assumption being true. That you’re an insensitive know it all (been there, done that myself) who is hell bent on finding what’s true. The first thing you have to ask yourself, is, “Is there any truth to that description of you?” Then the real trick is to ask that again, but this time be honest. Most likely you’re a smart guy, dump people don’t have it in them to be insensitive; clueless yes, but not really insensitive, so step outside yourself and hear your own words in any given situtation. How might someone else hear those words? Truth is an interesting thing. It can take the shape of a brick that we can use to bludgen others with. It’s heavy, hard and sometimes we are prone to use it to smack someone upside the head with it.

Sometimes we need that, but not on a daily basis. Often times people use truth as that weapon. We delude ourselves with the moral high ground that, “I’m only being honest, I wouldn’t want to lie to them.” There’s a deep thought by Jack Handy that goes a little something like this, “I don’t know why Marta got so upset with me. To me, her meatloaf did taste like puke.” While that may be “true”, probably not the most sensitive thing to say. Examine your words to see if you’re toting the truth brick.

Truth can always be a sword (sharper than any double edged sword — I think I read that somewhere once). But rather than using it to make those quick clean cuts that are often needed, we decide it’s our job to hack at anything that moves. They’re not clean cuts, it’s slash, after slash, after slash. We decide we’re going to verbally take care of all their issues in one setting and we hack away. Are the issues we’re dealing with the truth? Perhaps, at least in our mind, but understand that it’s God’s word that is sharper than any double edged sword, not our own.

Truth can also be a wonderful savve that can be placed on a wounded spirit. It can be a thing of healing and resportation, but it has to be applied the same way a mother would with her wounded child. It care, kindness, gentle and loving fingers taking care that the child is sensitive and hurt.

Truth is sometimes a wonderful pair of wings that allows the hearer to soar above their present hole to new found freedom.

But there is another school of thought who touts the old addage that we used to when we were children, “The Truth hurts…” And brother, if you’re not hurting, then I’m not telling you enough truth. Truth is spit out like venom with the soul (as opposed to sole) desire to wound the listener.

There is a new movement within the church as of late that’s bent on “The Truth”. That it’s our job a christians to go around to lost and found alike and beat them with the truth. We are calling a spade a spade, we’re calling everyone out on the carpet on all their faults, their short comings and their sins. That it is our God-given reponsibility to point out every flaw we find in others all in the name of love. To be “honest” with you, I don’t see this as from God.

Don’t get me wrong. Does that mean I don’t believe that we should confront our brothers on their sins? Yeah for the most part, I guess I do. I have strong issue with that word confront, it sets things up from the beginning to be devoid of love. If our brother is sinning, go to him, in private, in love, without judgement, without anger, without malice, without all the stuff that somehow makes us feel like the superior christian. The motive should be pure, and your hands should be clean. 99% of folks who are sinning or struggling with sin, know it. I know that I sin, I know what my sins are, I know what I have issues. You jumping down my religious throat isn’t going to make things any better between you and I. What I want is someone to cry with me, someone who understands the pain I feel inside, because anyone who loves God is really pained by their sins, to pull me up, mend my heart, help me with my struggles. There are some who will struggle with a particular sin their entire lives, but that doesn’t make them any less of a christian. We have all a weakness, it’s part of our humanity. That is not an excuse, but a realization of our present state. That doesn’t release us of our obligation to try and conqure it, but rather a reminder to those of us who watch our brothers struggle to have a new perspective. We will never be prefect until our death. We will continue with our last breaths to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. It’s a race. Just because people are in a different leg than we are doesn’t negate their christianity, only those who are dead are on the fnish line. Remember that. You too have your own sins. There is no fooling God.

But I digress (sort-of) from your issue at hand. I could sit here and tell you that your friends are total asses and wrong in what they are doing, but how does that help you? How does that help your friendship with them? All it accomplishes is to give you a sense of a moral high ground and that they are the ones who need to change (all that isn’t to say that the above thoughts aren’t true – how’s that for a double negative?). Instead let me offer you this:

Take a look at yourself, be more considerate of others, watch their reactions to your words, folks will let you know with their face and reactions if your words are wounding. If you think you might have, then appologize right then and there. Use softer words, apply truth freely, but as a savve and not as a brick. Open your ears to your words, think before you speak. Secondly, go to everyone of your friends and appologize in private. Yep, that’s what I said. I know what you’re thinking, “But Bob, I’m not wrong…” So what, since when has appologizing ever been about right or wrong. An appology never hurt anyone and more often than not can fix many a problem. You don’t even have to admit fault, just acknowledge that they are hurt, “I’m sorry that my words hurt you, that you feel that I am insensitive or a know it all. It’s not my desire to hurt your feelings, you’re my friend and I love you. I’ll work really hard and try to be more careful in how I speak things, but I’m going to need you as my friend to help keep me accountible for that. If you hear me speaking with harsh words, or coming across as a know it all.” Go to each and every single one of them, not in a spirit of hostility, but in a humble manner… you might be suprised at their reactions. Paul says, “As far as it concerns you, live at peace with everyone…” If they choose to reject you, then it’s on their plate, not on yours. Last bit of advice from Solomon, “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have folks think you’re stupid, than to open it and prove it…” (paraphrased by my mother).

Now to everyone else reading this, it’s time to put up or shut up. I’m personally tired of the backstabbers, the snipers and the undermines in the church. For personal reasons, selfish reasons you lurk in the dark and spread venom about your brothers and sisters in Christ. SHAME ON YOU! We’ve all done it, I have more times than I care to admit, but we are only hurting each other and tearing the church apart. We are driving more good people away from the church than we are bringing them in. If someone has hurt you, offended you, or whatever. Either go talk to them or keep it to yourself. If you keep it to yourself, then forgive them and let it it go. That anger will only kill you and not hurt them. They don’t even know you’re upset so you’re not accomplishing anything other than carring a big black ball around in your insides.

If you go to them, wait before you go (but not so long). Take a look at why you are hurt or bothered. Is it because they were insensitive, or is it because the holy spirit used their words to prick your heart? Once you’ve prayed and sorted our your feelings, go to them in private, say something along the lines of, “Bob, you may not have meant it this way, but this is how I felt when you said…” (I had to do that this past week with my boss… I was tempted to rip him a new one as I’m personally fond of doing, but you always have to give people the benefit of the doubt). You are only going to cause problems if you start out, “Hey Bob you big insensitive jerk…” Most people would be crushed if they knew their words had hurt someone, so approach it that way.

For those of you who choose option 3, which is just to spread gossip and rumors (I’ve been the victim of both true and false rumors and gossip), know this, your time is coming, God has a wonderful sense of justice sometimes… But when you find yourself a victim, take that to heart and use it as a learning experience, it sucks and hurts to have people who you think are your friends talking about you behind your back. So don’t do it yourself.

So Rob, there you go, just my two cents worth on a lot of things you may careless about. Maybe it’ll help you, maybe it won’t. Either way, Hi, I’m Bob, nice to meet you…